belle réussite

I have managed to pass the intensive readings course in French for Graduate Students with an A. That certainly helped my GPA out a bit. Part II started today and thankfully, I only have to meet 2 more times: on the 4th to talk about Part I of my translation and on the 16th to talk about Part II. This gives me much more time to focus on packing, moving, unpacking, and working on my generals readings list. I'm trying to do 2 books a day, one from each of my minor field lists, until I come up with my major field list.

Kyle has been gone for a few weeks, the weather has been miserable, and I've been so overwhelmed that it feels like I haven't gotten anything done, even though that's not the case. But for now, I have errands to run and a house to pack, so I should get back to it.

A good, good life

Sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm doing with my life. Like, I have things that I KNOW I want to do, like start a family and finish my PhD. But there are other things that I'm not sure I still want to do. Is teaching as fulfilling as it used to be? Is this what I want to do? Am I cut out for this? Will I finish my degree? Again, the same questions I've been mulling over for the last few months. But I've been doing fairly well in French class and I hope German class goes just as well in the Fall. Also I now have my generals lists completed for my two minor fields, so now I just need to nail down my major field.I think if I can just sit down and focus, then I'll be prepared for generals in Spring. I'm just worried that I don't know enough about the fields and the historiographical debates in order to fully answer a generals question. But I'm sure everyone feels that way. I guess we'll see how things go...

You can't outrun your fate

So ends the spring quarter. It didn't go quite as well as I thought it had, which is always disappointing. I've been wrestling, since receiving my grades, with whether or not I'm cut out for this kind of work. But as many have said, "everyone goes through that." While this may be true, and somewhat helpful to hear, I think we all have unique, individual experiences which facilitate this question. How do I do better? What do I need to do in order to master this material? Is there ever enough time?
Despite my poor seminar grade, the conference version of that same paper was received quite well. So maybe I need to re-group, focus on the conference version and expand it, rather than trying to edit the seminar paper. Now if I can just find the time to do so. Between French homework, trying to take care of myself physically, and  preparing lectures for the class I'm teaching, my paper is presently sitting on the back burner. I just need to organize my time better. My experience at the conference, though, has renewed my motivation. Let's just hope the loneliness of summer and Columbus's terrible weather doesn't interfere.

Life is a learning process

I'm feeling surprisingly calm about the rest of this quarter. I'm sure this feeling won't last long with finals looming, but getting the rough draft of my seminar paper complete has really made a difference. The paper is just over 30 pages and is undoubtedly going to go through a lot of editing, but I personally think editing is the easier part. I know a great number of people who would disagree with me, but it simply feels good to have the draft done. Luckily there is no final paper for my Atlantic class. Instead, we are doing something which I find to be unique at the grad level and also immensely helpful. We're creating a teaching module focusing on a specific subject within Atlantic history and also making a visual aid to present said teaching module. I was immediately requested to become the Atlantic pirate "expert" for the class, so I'll be examining how historiography on piracy has evolved and in what ways you can utilize piracy to discuss various aspects of the Atlantic world, like economics, military/policy making, imperial desires, etc. Although the military final is my most daunting (we're going to be writing a paper, in a a sense, as if we were taking generals), I actually feel like I might be able to pull it off. I may not have memorized the strategies of all these great thinkers to the degree that others have, but I at least know where to go to find the necessary information, which, I think, is half the battle. My professors this quarter have been exceptionally helpful in all aspects, helping me to feel more prepared for the end of the quarter and the coming year. I feel like my topic is really starting to take shape, and I'm wondering if my dissertation is going to end up being solely Dutch focused rather than a large examination of piracy in multiple nations. Perhaps such a project is too large at the dissertation level and might be a future project once I've settled into a career. Depression is so bizarre sometimes. On the one hand I feel content with my progress this quarter. On the other hand, I feel....for lack of words, just..."bleh" today. Not sad or angry or anxious. Just...bleh. But having really supportive people in my life (friends, family, Kyle, colleagues and my profs) makes dealing with the pressures of graduate school and the uncertainties of depression a bit more manageable. I also think moving out of my current apartment (which causes enough stress) will be beneficial as well. Well, here's to hoping.

bigger than the Twilight love affair

No matter how many times other people say they feel the same way I do, I still feel vaguely alone. I've always excelled at school. It was the one thing I thought I was really good at, where I felt confident. School was just kind of my thing, where I felt the happiest. At this level, though, I feel average at best. I know that there will always be people smarter than me, more accomplished than me, but I often wish I just understood things the way Elegant E, Boonie and C. Dawg* do. We're all first years, but they just have this knowledge base and this ability to grasp concepts that seem to just....escape me. The feeling I have when I'm sitting in Military Thought and Strategy, of not knowing what's going and feeling like I have nothing of value to contribute, is the same feeling that's started to creep into all of my studies. Beyond my inability to read Dutch, the only time I feel even semi-confident is when I'm reading about and discussing piracy and privateering events. And even then, my knowledge is debatable.

I love my colleagues. The cohort at OSU is fantastic and they've really helped to make my transition more bearable. But there's still something about Ohio that feels mildly uncomfortable. Maybe it's just been the weather lately. But battling depression on top of doctoral work is a challenge and a half....

*names have been changed for privacy.

incessant battles with ourselves

No matter how much work I seem to complete, it always feels like I haven't done anything.

Feeling a little like Carrie Bradshaw

Daily I wonder what I’m doing with my life and whether I’ve made the right choices. Have I really been following my dreams? Or am I just afraid of failing and ready to give up because the path is difficult? I honestly don’t know, sometimes, whether or not I’m going to succeed in earning my PhD. I doubt myself constantly, wondering if I’m smart enough. Everyone else seems to have it all figured out, balancing life and school, getting great grades and managing to complete everything in such a timely and productive manner. And I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people. Everyone works in their own ways. And maybe procrastination, albeit a bad habit, is my way. I think what I’m most worried about is not being adequate when it comes to researching my seminar/dissertation topic. I’m not even sure what I’m arguing. I have a vague inclination of what I want to write about, but I’m supposed to be proving something, writing something of significant historical value. I know that pirates affected trade, every historian knows that, but the question is how? In what capacity? Am I really capable of learning French, Dutch and potentially Spanish in order to complete this project in the next 3 years? Will I get enough funding to go overseas and do work in the archives? How do people do it? I have a Master’s degree, so I’m supposed to be somewhat ahead of some people, but in reality I feel so far behind, so unintelligent. I know others must deal with some of these feelings of inadequacy, but we all hide it so well. How do people take classes, do generals, research their topics and grade/DSL?! When do we just cut through all the bullshit and say “I have no idea what I’m doing?” Is it possible to ever be truly satisfied with our work, with our accomplishments, or has society warped us into believing that we're never enough, that we must always strive for more? Am I the only one who is going a little bit crazy here? And why is it that all of our successes are overshadowed by our failures and shortcomings? According to a 2009 sleep study, 65% of Americans lose sleep because of stress and 15% actually suffer from stress-induced insomnia (I, being one of those 15%). Our lives continue to become more fast-paced and we're encouraged to work harder for longer hours. When did work become so much more important than our sleep, our health, and our lives? I know that it's too much to ask, but all I want to do is relax. Anyone got some bubble bath or scented candles???